The Difficult Wait

Last Monday I had my bi-annual check up at the Dermatologist's office. As some of you know, I was diagnosed with Melanoma in 1998. I was very, very lucky because we caught it early. It was a life changing experience for me.

Normally when I walk out of the dermatologist's office after my check up I feel so relieved. It's so good to hear her say, "Everything looks good." When I walked out last Monday...I was filled with worry. She had just removed a "suspicious" mole from the back of my upper arm. It would be 7-10 days before I knew the results of the biopsy. The mind games began on my way to the car.

"What if it's Melanoma again?"
"Don't worry Kathy. It will be fine."
"What if it's already spread?"
"Stop it. It's going to be okay."
"How would I deal with it?"
"It's not Melanoma."

And that is how it went. As the days passed I tried not to think about it. Some days I did better than others. Some days the voices chattered loudly. On Monday of this week the voices won. By mid-day I actually didn't feel well. I knew that phone call could come any time. I wondered what the news would be. I played out the phone conversation in my head...the happy version and the not so happy version.

Waiting on biopsy results is never easy, and Monday evening I reminded myself that I don't play those kinds of games anymore. I don't live a life of "what ifs". I don't dwell on the past and I don't stress about the future. I live "in the now." I reminded myself that at that particular moment in time....I knew nothing, so there was no reason to be upset. I calmed down because I knew I was right. I watched some TV and drifted off to sleep.

Tuesday morning when I got up....my mind was clear. The chatter was gone. I felt nothing but peace. I knew right then that my results were in and I would be getting my phone call that day. I also knew that no matter what the results were, that everything would be just fine. I felt it.

My cell phone rang mid-morning. I picked it up and walked out into the hallway for privacy.

"Is this Kathryn?"
"Yes, it is."
"This is _____ from ______Dermatology. I just wanted to let you know that your biopsy results are in and they are completely benign."

If I could have reached through the phone, I would have given that girl a great big hug! I thanked her, told her she made not only my day, but my week and probably my entire month. She said she was happy to give me the good news.

I smiled, did a little girl "happy dance" and called Irv.

This is what my life has been since 1998 and it is what it will always be. I look at every one of these experiences and the scars that come with them as my mini wake up call. It's my reminder to use my sunscreen and wear a hat. I can still enjoy the sun, but I have to protect my severely damaged skin.

Do you have moles or freckles? Do you see a dermatologist regularly? You should. It's all part of taking charge of your own health, and it could very well save your life.

Make it the best day ever!

A Different Kind Of Waiting

Remember the dermatologist appointment I talked about the other day, and how I had to wait until October to get a suspicious mole removed after waiting over an hour for the doctor....well, they had a cancellation and I actually went and had the procedure yesterday. So glad I didn't have to wait so long. I'm not good at waiting, especially for stuff like this. I had melanoma in 1998.

Anyway, I didn't have to wait too long for the doctor this time. She removed the mole from my hip first. That kind of stuff doesn't bother me at all. The doctor's assistants are always asking, "How are you doing?" and "Are you okay?" so I assume that some people are not okay with the needles and the cutting and the stitching.....no problem here. I told the assistant yesterday, "This is the easy part. It's waiting for the biopsy results that's hard."

And it is. It usually takes 7-14 days to get the results back....that is a LONG time.

I remember in 1998 when they called and told me I had melanoma. I had to go back in so they could cut out more to be sure it had not spread. Waiting for the appointment and then waiting for the results was torture. I imagined every horrible scenario possible. I was very lucky. It was contained so I didn't require any further treatment.

I try very hard not to think like that anymore. I now try to live in the present. That means not stressing over the past and not worrying about the future, since you have no control over either. So, I am waiting. Of course, I'm concerned...that is only natural, but I am trying very hard not to stress or to imagine what might be. There is no point in doing that. It's unhealthy and accomplishes nothing. If it's good news, I will be overjoyed. If it isn't, then I will deal with it.

I went home after the procedure yesterday and didn't go back to work, because in addition to removing the mole from my hip, she also froze, burned and scraped off a large growing freckle from under my eye. My eye was numb and felt so weird. Well, not only did it feel weird yesterday, I got up this morning and my eye was almost swollen shut....so I am not at work today either.

I am able to sit for short periods of time as long as I lean to the right and don't lean on my left hip, and the swelling is just starting to go down on my eye, so I can at least see! My plan is to just putter around here today, relax a little bit and try to hurry the healing process!