The Difficult Wait

Last Monday I had my bi-annual check up at the Dermatologist's office. As some of you know, I was diagnosed with Melanoma in 1998. I was very, very lucky because we caught it early. It was a life changing experience for me.

Normally when I walk out of the dermatologist's office after my check up I feel so relieved. It's so good to hear her say, "Everything looks good." When I walked out last Monday...I was filled with worry. She had just removed a "suspicious" mole from the back of my upper arm. It would be 7-10 days before I knew the results of the biopsy. The mind games began on my way to the car.

"What if it's Melanoma again?"
"Don't worry Kathy. It will be fine."
"What if it's already spread?"
"Stop it. It's going to be okay."
"How would I deal with it?"
"It's not Melanoma."

And that is how it went. As the days passed I tried not to think about it. Some days I did better than others. Some days the voices chattered loudly. On Monday of this week the voices won. By mid-day I actually didn't feel well. I knew that phone call could come any time. I wondered what the news would be. I played out the phone conversation in my head...the happy version and the not so happy version.

Waiting on biopsy results is never easy, and Monday evening I reminded myself that I don't play those kinds of games anymore. I don't live a life of "what ifs". I don't dwell on the past and I don't stress about the future. I live "in the now." I reminded myself that at that particular moment in time....I knew nothing, so there was no reason to be upset. I calmed down because I knew I was right. I watched some TV and drifted off to sleep.

Tuesday morning when I got up....my mind was clear. The chatter was gone. I felt nothing but peace. I knew right then that my results were in and I would be getting my phone call that day. I also knew that no matter what the results were, that everything would be just fine. I felt it.

My cell phone rang mid-morning. I picked it up and walked out into the hallway for privacy.

"Is this Kathryn?"
"Yes, it is."
"This is _____ from ______Dermatology. I just wanted to let you know that your biopsy results are in and they are completely benign."

If I could have reached through the phone, I would have given that girl a great big hug! I thanked her, told her she made not only my day, but my week and probably my entire month. She said she was happy to give me the good news.

I smiled, did a little girl "happy dance" and called Irv.

This is what my life has been since 1998 and it is what it will always be. I look at every one of these experiences and the scars that come with them as my mini wake up call. It's my reminder to use my sunscreen and wear a hat. I can still enjoy the sun, but I have to protect my severely damaged skin.

Do you have moles or freckles? Do you see a dermatologist regularly? You should. It's all part of taking charge of your own health, and it could very well save your life.

Make it the best day ever!

OH HAPPY DAY!!!

Well, the dermatologist's office called late this afternoon to tell me that my biopsy was normal. I can't even begin to tell you how awesome I feel right now! Even a big CHEE HOO doesn't seem like enough. Thank you everyone for all of the positive thoughts and kind words. It was so appreciated. Now on to today's post.....

My 26 year old son, Matt, is on a six week road trip with his friend Chris. (They are both teachers) They are on the final leg of their adventure and will be back in Telluride later this week. They drove out to California, up the coast and are currently in Oregon. They took Matt's SUV and it was jam packed with camping equipment, climbing gear, bicycles, a surf board, kayaks, clothes, food and three large dogs. No, I am NOT kidding. Chris's sister even joined them last week for the rest of the trip!

They had no set schedule, just people they wanted to stop and visit and places they wanted to go. I will share pictures and videos with you as soon as I get some.

So, my question is this.....if you had six weeks and a car...where would you go? And no, you cannot say that you would drive to the airport and fly off to some exotic destination. You have to drive!

I know that I would head west. I would take the southern route through New Mexico and Arizona, drive up the California coast to Washington and then take the northern route home. I would stop wherever and whenever I wanted to. I would take side roads and just drive. How awesome would that be.....oh, and MY dogs would stay home.

Now it's your turn....six weeks and a car....where do you go?

A Different Kind Of Waiting

Remember the dermatologist appointment I talked about the other day, and how I had to wait until October to get a suspicious mole removed after waiting over an hour for the doctor....well, they had a cancellation and I actually went and had the procedure yesterday. So glad I didn't have to wait so long. I'm not good at waiting, especially for stuff like this. I had melanoma in 1998.

Anyway, I didn't have to wait too long for the doctor this time. She removed the mole from my hip first. That kind of stuff doesn't bother me at all. The doctor's assistants are always asking, "How are you doing?" and "Are you okay?" so I assume that some people are not okay with the needles and the cutting and the stitching.....no problem here. I told the assistant yesterday, "This is the easy part. It's waiting for the biopsy results that's hard."

And it is. It usually takes 7-14 days to get the results back....that is a LONG time.

I remember in 1998 when they called and told me I had melanoma. I had to go back in so they could cut out more to be sure it had not spread. Waiting for the appointment and then waiting for the results was torture. I imagined every horrible scenario possible. I was very lucky. It was contained so I didn't require any further treatment.

I try very hard not to think like that anymore. I now try to live in the present. That means not stressing over the past and not worrying about the future, since you have no control over either. So, I am waiting. Of course, I'm concerned...that is only natural, but I am trying very hard not to stress or to imagine what might be. There is no point in doing that. It's unhealthy and accomplishes nothing. If it's good news, I will be overjoyed. If it isn't, then I will deal with it.

I went home after the procedure yesterday and didn't go back to work, because in addition to removing the mole from my hip, she also froze, burned and scraped off a large growing freckle from under my eye. My eye was numb and felt so weird. Well, not only did it feel weird yesterday, I got up this morning and my eye was almost swollen shut....so I am not at work today either.

I am able to sit for short periods of time as long as I lean to the right and don't lean on my left hip, and the swelling is just starting to go down on my eye, so I can at least see! My plan is to just putter around here today, relax a little bit and try to hurry the healing process!

The Waiting Game

I had an appointment at the dermatologist yesterday at 3:40. I get off work at 3:30 and it's only a few minutes away. I was there early.

At 4:10 I finally got into the exam room. I was already fuming and trying not to, but I have so much to do right now that I just didn't want that to happen AGAIN. The last time I went I waited a total of 45 minutes past my appointment time before I saw the doctor. I answered all of the questions for the assistant and she leaves. I take off my jeans and t-shirt and put on the robe, climb onto the exam table and wait....and wait....and wait.


After about 20 minutes there is knock on the door. Nope, not the doctor. Just one of her assistants that needs something from the room. "She is just finishing up with a patient and you are next, so she should be right in." I waited, and waited and waited. Another 20 minutes passed and there is another knock on the door. This time it is my doctor. "So sorry to have kept you waiting. How are you?"

"How am I? How would you expect me to be? I have a ton of work waiting for me at home. My appointment was at 3:40 and it is almost 5:00. Do you realize how long it's going to take me to get home now? It's going to be the height of rush hour when I get out of here! I'm pissed! That's how I am. I am really, really pissed. This happened the last time I had a late afternoon appointment. What happened? Can you at least give me a reason why I had to wait so frickin' long? How am I? Such a stupid question!"

That is what I wanted to say.

Instead I said, "I'm good, how are you doing?"

I know, I know, but I try to be kind and give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was having a horrible day. Does it really matter at this point that she was late or why? She apologized. What more could she do? Besides, I really like this doctor.

My boss recommended this doctor to me after mine moved to California., and I really like her a lot. She takes the time to listen to me. We laugh a lot and she understands where I'm coming from. I trust her, and that is important with any doctor, but especially when you have already had a serious health issue. I had melanoma in 1998, and when I go to the dermatologist, I'm literally putting my life in their hands.

So, I had my exam and I do need to have another mole removed. I have always hated it. It's been there for a long time, but it looks like my melanoma and I have always wished it was gone. Now it will be because she noticed a slight change in it.

I have to wait 3 months for the appointment, but she told me to be persistent and to call constantly and they will get me in when they have a cancellation. I was already on the phone with them at 8:15 this morning. Trust me, they will find me an appointment sooner because they will be so sick of hearing my voice first thing every morning.

So, what do you do when a doctor is really late? Have you ever walked out? Do you speak your mind? Just wondering.....

My Life Altering Experience

"It looks like we have a melanoma," the voice on the phone said.

That was 1998 and the voice was my doctor at that time. What I had feared most, was a reality...I had skin cancer. Actually, I didn't just have skin cancer, I had melanoma...the most deadly form of skin cancer.

I can't even begin to tell you how my life changed that day. I went from a very confident happy woman that loved being outside, to a terrified shell of a person that feared even having the sun shine on her skin while riding in the car.

I look back now and actually feel bad for my family and even for myself. I loved life so much and the very thought of losing it consumed me...and I was one of the lucky ones. Further biopsy showed my melanoma in it's very earliest stage. I did not require any additional treatment.

My skin cancer was most likely caused from the many, many, many sunburns I received as a child and even as an adult. I am very light complected. I use to burn, blister and peel over and over and over again...never knowing that what I thought was funny at the time....could actually be shortening my life.

My diagnosis turned me into a bit of a hermit. I didn't venture outside if I wasn't covered from head to toe in sunscreen, sunscreen clothing, hats, shoes and socks. In the past few years, I have slowly come to understand that the sun can still be my friend, but I have to respect the sun. I know that it can make me smile and warm my heart and soul, but it can also do great harm.

These days, you will find me outside on sunny days. I love walking out onto the deck and turning my face to the sun to feel the warmth. I will stretch out my arms and let them take in the the suns rays....but only for a few minutes.

I have a large scar on my upper left arm. My doctor told me I could have surgery to improve it's appearance, but I said no thank you. That scar is there to remind me to respect the sun.

My melanoma looked NOTHING like what you see pictures of. It was small and perfectly round and "normal" looking. Last fall I found a tiny little spot that looked like a dry, bumpy rash. I had it removed and it was a basal cell carcinoma...another form of skin cancer. I thought it was dry skin!

I recommend everyone wear sunscreen and a hat when out in the sun, and see a dermatologist for a skin check once a year.

If you would like more information on skin cancer, please click here. If you would like information on a great sunscreen clothing company, click here.