How Does This Happen?

I was in the bathroom Tuesday morning putting on my make up. I had the radio on in my workshop and the news came on. I heard a familiar name mentioned....followed by....arrested for armed robbery!

The name they mentioned was a kid that my boys went to school with. They weren't friends with him, but he lived one street over from us for a while. Michael played soccer with his older brother. This boy was a year older than Matt, my youngest and he was always the tough guy. He was a bit of a bully....but armed robbery? Are you kidding me?

His mom was one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet! I grew up with her and her sister. I didn't know his dad or his dad's family very well, but they seemed like nice people. We all went to the same high school.

We were just talking at work about this very thing on Monday. I always wonder what happens along the way, to make kids turn out the way they do. These kids all go to the same schools. They all play together. Some play sports together and even hang out together. Yes, many of them experiment with alcohol and drugs...there are very few perfect kids out there as much as many parents would like to believe. Even the smart kids from stable homes do things they shouldn't be doing...but what happens that some of them outgrow that immaturity and bad decision making and others just don't?

I don't know what has happened to him or his family since the kids were in school, but my heart aches for them all.

Do you ever wonder "why" when you hear about stuff like this? They all start out beautiful and innocent. How does one become successful and another one becomes a felon? What path did their lives take that lead them to make that kind of decision? If something had been different in their life....would they be different? It makes me sad.

Mommy Can You Hear Me?

Raising children.....

Before you read this blog post, understand that I am not saying that my way was the best way or that my way was the only way...I'm just going to share with you what worked for me. Was I the perfect mom....absolutely not..but somehow in spite of my shortcomings, I managed to raise three amazing children.

There are a million things that go into the raising of kids, and over time I'll talk about many of them, but today is just about listening to our children. I don't know about you, but when I have something to say, I want to be heard. I want people's undivided attention. I might be happy, sad, angry, lonely, overjoyed, overwhelmed, depressed, elated, sick or tired or any number of things and if I want to share my thoughts with you, I want and need you to listen to me.

I grew up in a house full of girls and it wasn't always easy to be heard. I learned to talk very loud, to interrupt and to talk "over" people just to make conversation. Even as an adult I find myself doing that occasionally. Old habits die hard. I'll catch myself and return to being the good listener I long to be.

If I wait my turn and then try to join the conversation and I am continually brushed off, interrupted or ignored...after a while I think screw you...I didn't really want to talk to you anyway!

Have you ever felt like that?

Children are no different. They have the same long list of emotions that we have and when they have something they want to share...they want to be heard.

It seems parents are always "comparing notes" on child rearing. I can remember when my kids were in high school, most parents saying the same thing, "My kid won't talk to me." Well, remember that person a couple of paragraphs ago...the one that brushed me off or ignored me when I wanted to share my thoughts with them? How long do you think I will keep trying to communicate with that person before I finally say to myself, "Forget it! You have no interest in me or in what I have to say!"....and then rarely speak to the person again? I think the same thing applies here.

Life is so full of excitement and discovery for young children. They always seem to have something to tell us. In fact, it seems that some of them never shut up. Did you have one of those? It can be very trying for a parent. We're trying to cook dinner, answer the phone, someone is knocking on the door, we need to check our e-mail, pay the bills, get to work, do the dishes, change the laundry, feed the dogs and on and on and on...and there is that child that always seems to need to tell you something.

How many times have we said, "Not right now" or "Can you tell me later" or "Mommy is very busy"? How long do we think that little one will keep trying before they finally decide that we really aren't interested in what they have to say? Then little by little they stop sharing their joys, their fears, their accomplishments, their sadness with us....and then they become teenagers.

Suddenly more than ever we want and need to know what they are doing, how they are doing, what they are thinking, where they are going, who they are going with....and they won't give us the time of day. Sometimes that happens just because they ARE teenagers and that is what teenagers do....but I don't think that is always the case. I think it often comes from years of not being heard.

From the time my kids started communicating...I listened. It really didn't matter what I was doing, there was nothing more important than what they had to say. I wouldn't hesitate to stop whatever I was doing whenever a little voice said, "Mommy" or "Hey Mom". I was excited or concerned or interested in everything they had to say no matter how busy I was.

As my children grew, the things they shared with me of course changed. They shared a lot. I knew a lot. Sometimes I knew more than I really wanted to know. Of course, there were still things they kept to themselves, but they knew that they could come to me with anything and I would listen. I may not have always agreed, but I would listen. It didn't matter if it was four in the afternoon, or four in the morning....I listened. I have shared many, many laughs and many, many tears with each of my kids over the years.

Today my kids are 25, 28 and 34. I talk to Tresa every single day and have since she went away to college. Michael, Matt and I talk, e-mail or text every couple of days. My kids know that they can still call me any time of any day, and they do because...they know mommy will always hear them.